Resume padding?

I'm afraid that when people look at my resume and they see the things I've done, they think I'm just padding my resume. They think that I'm just saying I'm in all these things, or if I'm actually in them, that I don't do much.

I don't feel like I'm doing enough though.

I don't know what to do though. I feel like I'm at a total loss, because frankly, I have no idea what to do. I want to be one of these people that invokes change and makes people go "wow!" and to feel like I've accomplished something.

But I don't feel like I'm doing that. I feel like I'm not doing anything important. That I go to meetings, and sit there and I'm not one of those people that actually do anything.

How can I be considered for the Pickering, or the Truman, or anything when I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. Ok, well, I've accomplished something, but it's not enough. It's not enough.

I'm looking at other scholarships - and it doesn't look too good. I'm tired of scholarships.

Did you know the Rhodes need 8 letters of recommendation?! That's insane!

I feel like I know what I want to do with my life, but at the same time, I don't. I know I want to help people: but how? International Development? Well then, shouldn't I be going to Uganda or some African country or to Thailand or something like that.

How can I change the world? How can I be special, be someone, in this sea of humanity?

It's the heart that counts, right?

I know I complain about the same exact things over and over again. I'm sure what I'm about to write now, I've written before (I'm going to check after I write this). But it's a reoccurring problem, and something that I can't seem to control or change.

First of all, the question of "am I good enough?" I have an idea of people who are going to at least get interviews for the MidTerm. I think two of the three have 4.0's. I do not. It won't even be possible to graduate with a 4.0. I'm going to strive for a 3.9, but that might even be hard. I do have a job, which I don't think they do. I do participate in a lot of extracurricular (and even without school, there's a lot of them) activities, but is that enough? I shouldn't compare myself with people. I've done my hardest. I've worked my hardest. I've done everything I could. Dave said a GPA "is just one or many attempts to capture some aspect of yourself." He's right. I'm defined by so much more than a number. I suppose that's what a resume is for. And recommendations.

Dr. Tessman asked me when I went to pick up my recommendation from him how I thought it went - the writing and all that. I fidgeted nervously. I think I did alright. But I wish I could've put an experience from Japan in there. Or mentioned my summer trip at all. I didn't do that...I will in the Pickering, but the essay is different and supports that kind of style. It's on my resume...but people applying for it went all over the world.

What makes me so special?

Also, I'm debating whether or not to get a 2nd job. I sure could use the money, picking up random shifts here and there, or on weekends. But, I have Promote Africa, Invisible Children, Habitat, and Roosevelt. I would like to be on the board for Habitat and Roosevelt next semester. So that means hard work in those. I am working 20 hours a week already at 2 jobs on campus. Doing errands and meetings and such. I am trying to audit the Chinese class. I need to continue to edit my Roosevelt paper to have it publish-worthy. I would like to help Dr. Tessman with his research. I mean, is a second job all that necessary? Well, I sure could use the money. But isn't that too much. I'll have to talk to people about that.

Maybe it's friends that worry me. I think I want to be friends with certain people: as in hang out with them, be "one of them." Ouch. How very pathetic of me. Wanting to "follow the crowd" or be with the "in-group." Shouldn't I just be friends with people I want to be friends with? Shouldn't it not matter? I guess there is just some basic part of me that still feels that need and is envious of others. I don't act on it, so I suppose I don't want it that much. My subconscious is much cooler than my conscious.

Oh! I worked on my website over the break for the Midterm Application. It's really cool. Well, I like it. Dave helped me a lot too. I have two more pages to complete and that's about it! I still have to figure how I want them set up and what I should have on there. I feel like I need a "hobbies" page or a "pictures" page. Maybe both? That'd be nice to have pictures of high-school activities and things I like doing now. Hmmm...

Also,

Let's look back on scholarships:
Alumni N
Schafer N
HISP (Courts) Y
MidTerm ?
Incentive : due 30 Jan.
Phi Kappa Can't do.
CET Academics (2 different ones) : due after I get accepted
Franklin College Can't do.
Murphy Can't do.
IEW Can't do.
Pickering Fellowship : due 6 Feb.
Petters : due 10 Feb.

I am kind of glad that some of them I can't do because of requirements (must be a UGA study abroad program, or used between these times...) because that way I don't have to continually ask the same people for a recommendation. I wouldn't feel so bad if I still had the two teachers I would've had for recs stay on campus! But, oh well.

One month in...

Well, not quite. We're about 5 days shy now of the "month" marker. But it is the start of the 4th week. Wow. Back already for a month? How time flys!

I'm already starting to get stressed. Frazzled. A least around the edges. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have Dave, or Shannon for that matter. She's my best friend now. Well, save Dave. But he doesn't count.

The lady at the dining hall asked where my "shadow" was this morning. I was utterly confused for a minute and then smiled and said that he had overslept and that I was alone this morning. And apparently another one called Dave and I "two peas in a pod." How cute that they know us together now by sight. I mean, we do go there for breakfast and dinner a lot. Last year too. It's habit now. And I enjoy having Dave wake me up, and see him at breakfast. No matter how grumpy I am, or annoyed that it took him so long. I love it.

I'm stressed mostly about scholarships. I have the HISP which I'm applying for in November, and I'm trying to figure out how I am going to PAY for Oxford. It's about $16,000. I've found some scholarships here and there, but the money is supposed to be due by the 12th of December. A lot of the scholarships aren't sent in until AFTER that. I don't really know what to do! I mean, every $500 helps...but how many $500's is that?! I have the UGA Alumni which goes to about $3000. The Arcadia, which goes to about $2500. The UGA Foundation isn't due until January (which doesn't help with inital payments, you IDIOTS!). There's another minimum of $500 one, so that could help.

I'm going to talk with a Study Abroad Advisor about China in the Summer, and I'm going to ask her for more Oxford scholarships and tell her the one's I've already found. Tell her my woes. IF the HISP doesn't cover everything, or I do get it, I have a few more up my sleeve for that too. So that's nice. Pretty much China is set. Now I just have to pick the program.

It's just...I WANT to go to Oxford, but I don't want to pay so much! Or rather, I don't want Uncle Jack to pay so much. And even if I work two jobs January-March until we go, it won't help with the inital payments. And Uncle Jack won't take the money back even if I mail it to him! Maybe I can come up with a secret plan? Have Grami get their bank information, or sneak them checks, or something. I'll have to be clever.

But I don't want it to come down to that.

Classes aren't HARD, per se. They're a lot of reading. I'm -mostly- keeping up. But it seems like just barely. Chinese is pretty awesome; just hard. But our teacher is amazing, and I can feel myself getting better at it. I hope.

I had a History paper due Tuesday, my first Roosevelt outline due Monday, and I have an International Affairs quiz Friday. Busy week, but not as busy as my roommates.

Housing and those people is an ENTIRELY different story.

I know I shouldn't be stressing out. And maybe it's just with introductory meetings going on...maybe I just want to DO something. Something big. Something that says "I'm a leader! I want to help the world! I want to DO something." But what? I feel like it's being done. By someone. And why would I want to compete with someone when I could help out their cause, which is at least similar to mine? I'm working on leadership roles, and I plan to talk to Dr. Williams about it too. I need to show him my face more: put a name to it at least. I figure that maybe he'll be able to give me some advice. Right?

I must say...as much as I'm looking forward to Oxford...the combination Oxford/China means that I probably won't see Dave for 6 months. Honestly, that's frightening. He threatened to tickle me earlier when I started crying. Then we watched Star Trek Voyager. Or maybe that was after.

Well, here's to sleep and me finishing my book so that I can move on to actual school books.