Everything's wrong, but it's alright?

My parents have to be the strongest people I know.

My Dad, through it all, has only cried once. Of course, just watching him his breaking my heart, but I'm trying to stay calm and happy. I want to punch his stupid ex-wife in the face and laugh while she cries. But that won't happen. My Dad said "I can't be mad at her." I said, "Well, I can." I don't understand what she's doing, and honestly, I do think she does either. I think she's in denile that she has so much debt because of my Dad's store. But she married that, and it's her responaibility to help him over that hurdle and figure things out together.

When I get married one day, I want to know that I could be flat broke and completly devoted to one another.

She flipped. She shouldn't have done it in the first place.

I think my Ma's doing well too. She seems to be handling everything fine. I really couldn't ask for more.

I'm starting to get everything ready for Japan, but really, none of that compares to everything my parents have been through.

I hope I inherited both their strength.

It's the ritual and the dance

Going on a trip is a test of skill. It's a dance. And most of all, a ritual. At least, for me it is.

This time the ritual was a little different, but only by a little. This time, my Mother didn't run through all the things I would need to make sure I had everything. It was all up to me. I had to triple-check myself: no help.

The ritual of the things for me is this: For the week before, I put things I find around my room and house that I think I might need. Not clothes mind you, but all the other things. It sits there in a pile in my room until the night before. Because, of course, the ritual must happen the night before I take off. I sit in the living room -it has more room- with everything surrounding me. Clothes in various piles, books, school things, etc., etc. I look at my bag, look at my things, put in a good show or movie, and begin the ritual packing. Usually it takes only one time, but sometimes the ritual was not completed correctly the first time and I must begin again to satisfaction. That is what happened this time.

The dance is what comes next. The dance is the time at the airport. We watch each other in this dance. Test the fludity of the movements. The more apt you are to the dance, the more fluid each motion is. You need no help with your baggage, you get it right the first time, you smile and say thank you as if this wasn't stressful, and when it comes to security you pull everything out with a sure motion. It is quick, painless. IF you are good at this dance.

I must admit, I am pretty good at the dance. I could have been better, of course, but anyone can. I need little help; I've learned each step long ago.

Now...it's time to fly.

Let's do the hammer thing

I went to the Chiropractor today at 9:00. (That was early!) It was one of the most interesting things I've had done. I think it'll help.

Found out about some crucial things. I have something wrong with my right leg strength, my right shoulder is higher up, and the arche in my left foot is falling. Of course, the doctor also told me that I was holding all my stress in and that I needed to stop bottling it up.

He asked what my stress was on a scale of 1 to 10. I said a definite 8, at least. He looked shocked.

He also said that the rear ending that Dave got in about 2 1/2 years ago could have caused something. So I'm going to blame Dave and make him feel bad. Nah, I'm just kidding. It's not his fault at all. I just think that's kind of funny.

I do feel a little better. Hopefully the other two will go well.

It just isn't getting any better

I'm not that crushed by my grandmother's passing. I felt prepared for it. I had my closure. I just hope I can support my mother through this time.

I think I did something to my knee, but I don't know what. It feels really hot when I bend it. I have a feeling that's not good.

I leave for California in 5 days. I'm not ready at all.

I miss Dave.

I have nothing clever to say, and no clever way to say it. I just feel...alone. Even my friends seem non-existant sometimes.

I think my grandmother's passed on as I write this. At 9:30, it was said she had about an hour left. My Ma was hysterical, and I just felt bad that I wasn't with her. She was at work and left from there. I didn't have my phone on me so I missed her call about picking me up.

I didn't see her. My Ma didn't force me too. I think I would've had a panic attack. I just can't take hospitals. I don't want to remember her like that.

But I'm afraid I feel guilty...or I feel like I should be more upset.

I just feel tired.

Dave left for France this morning at 6:00. I didn't cry that much. But it's making more tired. And I know that it's going to be hard...

This all is.

Home, home, and home

I'm home from college........

I don't think I like being back home.

None of my stuff is kept right, my posters are ripped from my cats getting them, things are everywhere. I just can't take it. I thought children's rooms are suppossed to be worshipped and adored when they left. Well, not mine.

So I'm going through my stuff, selling some of it, giving away some of it, and packing the rest of it in boxes and putting it in my closet.

I also have to get ready to go to California, where I'll be then going to Japan. And my boyfriend leaves for France in three days...he goes to Japan after I go Japan, so I won't get to see him for three months, when I pick him up from the airport before we both go off to school.

I have to stop thinking about it...

but he's such a good man

My dad's getting a divorce.

His wife wants out. He's been having money troubles for a while because he started his own business. Then his partner in another state backed out. A guy was stealing from him. Things are just not doing well. He tries so hard. He reads all the books about running a successful business, he's a great people-person and can sell stuff like no one's business. But for some reason...

He owes me money. He's suppossed to help pay for my school stuff, but he hasn't paid me since December and I don't want to pressure him for any money. I might have to ask him for some when I go to Japan, but I just don't have enough. I told my boyfriend and he offered to give me some money.

I just feel so awful.

I'm so worried for my dad because he told me once he almost took his own life. He's such a good person, a great father even though he's not with me. He tries so hard! Why can't anything work for him? Why can't he just be happy?

I thought his wife told him "in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad"? Have the vows changed? How does that show him love? How can she not stand beside him?

In other news, I'm finished with this semester. I'm getting ready to go home. And my mom was just yelling at me that I didn't ask her when she is working so she could take me to the airport.

Whatever.

I should probably be worried...

Heshrsu*q#w$yn adsg

yEAH, THAT'S ABOUT ALL i HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT.

My caps was on. Oops.

My Chinese Final is tomorrow. Woo...I'm so going to fail. ;_;