I know Mom and Dave and everyone else have told me to chill out. To take things as they come and to look around me to make sure I'm not missing any doors.
And honestly, I'm trying. It's just hard.
The Mid-term Fellowship Application came out today. Unexpectedly early. I was excited, nervous, scared, happy all at once.
I found out my summer program, with flights is going to cost about $9000. That was a little bit of a shock, and now I'm scrambling for money for that one. I don't know if any of my financial aid can go towards that. Maybe it can? But I don't need more loans...
The list of scholarships to do is as follows:
Schafer
HISP (Courts)
MidTerm
Incentive
Phi Kappa
CET Academics (2 different ones)
Franklin College
Murphy
IEW
Pickering Fellowship
I think that's it. Which, unfortunately, doesn't seem like enough. The Alumni scholarship I found out only 1 person gets. Do I think that I would've tried harder if I had known that? No. I believe I did my best. There's nothing more I can do now except look for more scholarships, and if I get the Midterm and am allowed to keep the HISP (if I get that as well), to use some of that study abroad money towards this China program.
I just...I want it to work.
16 October 2008
13 October 2008
Time, time just flies by
I'm stressed. Super-super-duper stressed. And I realize this. And I also realize that I can do stuff about it. I just don't want too.
I don't want to give up any of my clubs or any of my classes. I don't want to work less hours at work. I like what I do. In the quiet moments that I do think about it, I do enjoy it. I like thinking that I make a difference in somebody's life. I need that feeling. Maybe it's some kind of "self-worth" thing, maybe that's why I want to be a diplomat, a foreign service officer. Maybe it's because I just realize that every little difference counts.
But will it be enough?
Because no matter how much I like it, I am still defined by certain measures by certain people who have certain power. And what can I say that will let them see that I am real, that I mean what I say, and though I do want the money, I want it to help people.
If my reasons for helping people are selfish, do they still count as helping someone? Or do they become something else? Something less than helping? Something that is just as selfish as if I were one of those people on wall street making $500 million a year for practically nothing.
I want to get my hands dirty. I want to stir up emotions in people, stir up thoughts. I don't want to be teacher confined to a classroom, but a teacher of the world.
I changed my background to "The School of Athens" by Raphael (?). It makes me look at Hypatia each time, the only woman, and think that she did it in a world of men. Makes me think of everyone who can achieve it.
Finished my first rough draft of my policy paper: 14 pages. Started my essay for History. We'll see how that goes. My 4 year anniversary is tomorrow. And I don't think I've ever been so in love.
I don't want to give up any of my clubs or any of my classes. I don't want to work less hours at work. I like what I do. In the quiet moments that I do think about it, I do enjoy it. I like thinking that I make a difference in somebody's life. I need that feeling. Maybe it's some kind of "self-worth" thing, maybe that's why I want to be a diplomat, a foreign service officer. Maybe it's because I just realize that every little difference counts.
But will it be enough?
Because no matter how much I like it, I am still defined by certain measures by certain people who have certain power. And what can I say that will let them see that I am real, that I mean what I say, and though I do want the money, I want it to help people.
If my reasons for helping people are selfish, do they still count as helping someone? Or do they become something else? Something less than helping? Something that is just as selfish as if I were one of those people on wall street making $500 million a year for practically nothing.
I want to get my hands dirty. I want to stir up emotions in people, stir up thoughts. I don't want to be teacher confined to a classroom, but a teacher of the world.
I changed my background to "The School of Athens" by Raphael (?). It makes me look at Hypatia each time, the only woman, and think that she did it in a world of men. Makes me think of everyone who can achieve it.
Finished my first rough draft of my policy paper: 14 pages. Started my essay for History. We'll see how that goes. My 4 year anniversary is tomorrow. And I don't think I've ever been so in love.
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