It's Coming...

I'm getting more and more nervous, and my Dad isn't really helping matters.

I'm afraid about my transfer flights. ANA isn't as cooperative as I would like them to be. I'm afraid -and my Dad made me even more paranoid- that I'm going to miss my connection in Tokyo to Sapporo. I have back up plans, but I want to be optimistic about it.

I'm also worried about my connection on the way back from Sapporo to Tokyo. I won't need it, but I still have it, and they may cancel my seat. I'm going to go to the airport and/or call ANA and tell them that my plans changed unexpectantly and that I won't need the one connection because I'm already in Tokyo. But I'm afraid they'll be like "Well, then, you're going to have to cancel that ticket for $200." And I don't have $200 to cancel any ticket with. What do I say to that though? I'm afraid I'm going to get angry and start shouting. Hopefully my Ma can help with that. I guess there's nothing I can do now about it.

Hopefully if I miss my connection they won't make me pay for it. I really don't have money for that.

Dave may be staying with me at my hosts place for the time I'm there! How exciting! I don't know how I'm going to react when I see him, there or just whenever I do get to see him. I think I've almost forgiven him for being a complete idiot.

I feel like I have so much stuff to do before I leave...which is tomorrow! I'll be staying in a hotel with my Dad at LAX, and my flight takes off at 12:25pm. I think we'll get there at about 9:30-10:00; that should give us plenty of time.

Tomorrow night, I'll be starting my new blog. It's to the left there, that first one. Yup, right there! Kudos to people who can get the refrence.

So what to do today: Clean the refridgerator, learn Japanese, go to Best Buy, scan Japanese book for Dave, posts, shower, watch movies, eat. Oh, and charge my phone so that I can call Mom. I'm debating taking my phone to Japan, since I have an international one. We'll see.

Merlin Memories

Sometimes I feel like Merlin.
Where every hello is actually the last goodbye.
And sometimes, there isn't anything you can do.

Doctor Who : Turn Left

This episode was vaguely reminesent of "Blink" from Season 3. It was slightly different because you weren't transported there, you could come back it seemed. But, the alien worked about the same.

Anyway, it was way cool to see Rose. She was way more awesome than the other Rose. Well, she was the same Rose, and yet, not the same Rose. A more confident Rose, a Rose changed by the Doctor. She seemed upset too, but still in control. I liked one of her lines: "I don't know, but it sounds like something the Doctor would say." And then she giggled. I loved the flashes at the end with Donna remembering Rose. The Bad Wolf again was a sight for sore eyes. I loved that. It would've been better if there were one or two flashes in the beginning with it on the banners in the city/planet.

It was sad to see the Doctor dead, and to remember that far back. Martha dead too. That world sucked. The Doctor figuring it was Rose at the end was pretty heartwrenching too. He figured it out kind of quick. Oh...this is going to be good! I wonder if Rose is going to die though...we'll see. 

I did like the concept that one small thing changes entire lives, not even just yours, but a lot of peoples. I just can't wait for next weeks! I hope I can get it in Japan. I don't know what I'll do if I don't! What is going to happen between the Doctor and Rose? He seemed both shocked she was coming and upset. Well, upset because Bad Wolf = destorying the Universe.

P.S. I didn't really notice anything wrong with Rose's speech. Hmm...maybe I was just too excited she was back to give a shit.

One week...

you just have to find the right balance

Well, it's over.

It was a wonderful week and I learned a ton of information. I'm still unsure about some things, but I mostly support the Free-Market now. I'd like to read some critics on it, just so that I know how to defend it. I think it's a very middle-of-the-road kind of thing that we did here: some intense, "conservative" markets, but very "liberal" social/environmental change.

For the recond, look up "bio-cities," especially Masdor City in UAE. Then we can talk.

I certainly am going to miss some of the people here. Certainly not all, but I was just opening up and really becoming "friends" with some people here. And people remembered my name! Even the faculty did! It was quite amazing. I would really like to do an internship with either IHS or the CATO Institue in DC either one summer or semester. I think I'm going to have to add that on my "things to do" list.

They gave up some good advice in life too. And frankly, I'm so glad I came. Plus, I got a ton of free stuff. No shit. A lot.

Dad comes tomorrow at 10 to pick me up, and breakfast at 8.30, so I should go to bed soon. I was at the social for a little bit, but it was getting really hot and my stomach is acting really funny.

I'm so nervous about Japan. When I get back to Brawley, and in the car tomorrow, that's really all I need to do. Read Japanese and work on excercises. I really need to not sound like a complete moron when I go over there. But it's going to be so hard with 4 new books to read! And I have such a list of books to GET to.

Gosh!

I did also get $20 for one of the "projects" we did. Sweet deal there.

I'm definitely going to shamelessly plug IHS when I get back.

P.S. I didn't do a presentation, but that's ok. I am going to e-mail Michael Floyd about something, and that's going to be my big project for now. It also got REALLY nice and warm here the past two days. Ohhh! It was so very, very nice.

broken toes and laughs in cable cars

I like fucking broke my toe. I am in a lot of throbbing pain in my right foot right now.

This all started from...

This morning we had only one lecture for three hours and then lunch. Then, a big group of us went to San Fransisco because we had a free day. I'm not a picture-taking-large-group kind of person so I was turned off by the magnitude of people going. Unfortuently, I'm also the kind of person that can't be alone. I mean, I can be alone and I like it, but in a strange city...I feel like I should be exploring it with someone, and I like having someone to talk to.

So I went through most of the afternoon/early evening not enjoying what we were seeing partially because of that, partially because my back hurt, and partially because I had seen everything before. We did go through Chinatown, which I hadn't seen, but we didn't stop anywhere, and there were so many of us that we took up the whole sidewalk. I just couldn't enjoy it.

New York Chinatown is better.

But during dinner we spilt up and our 20 person group because 9. It was much more enjoyable, and I could actually open up with the people I was with and laugh hystericlly with them. Seriously. I was laughing a lot of the night tonight. We have this Romanian guy who goes to school in the UK and he is terribly funny. We talked about British accents, and homeless, and well, all kinds of crazy stuff. I have some memorable quotes too...about the difference between "ferry" and "fairy," "below me" sounding like "blow me." He's a crazy kid.

So it got better and funnier and I enjoyed myself more. I would've liked Dave to be here. I can't wait to explore cities, just the two of us.

I did ride an old cable car and see the UN building, which was pretty awesome as well.

But on the way back...we were almost to the building, seriously three blocks, and I just RAMMED by foot into an un-even sidewalk. It was funny too because Razvan (the Romanian) was talking about how the British don't say "fuck you" and I just started saying "fuck" a whole lot after I smashed my toe in. I hobbled/hopped the rest of the way back and one of the girls with us brought my some band-aids. It's still throbbing, though the pain has de-intensified.

I found my notebook. That's a plus.

Lectures start again tomorrow. Wednesday, a presentation at the end of Thursday for me, and then breakfast Friday and that's it. I'm kind of glad it's almost over and kind of not. Glad because I want to see my Dad, and I'm always nervous around everyone, and it's cold here, and that means Japan is soon. And not because I like the lectures and the people are funny, and that means Japan's soon.

Oh, well.

Institue for Humane Studies

I have had more theory in my life than I've ever had ever before. Really and truly. And more Economics than I've done since Senior year in high-school, and probably more in this past two days than I did all year. 

I'm absolutly amazed that I got in to this and that I'm doing it, really.

I didn't realize how huge of a thing this IHS is. My Ma was worried I would have to pay for it though it said it was free, and I was afraid that a) it would be boring or b) it would be a cult group. It is in fact, none of the above.

I got here on Saturday with my Dad, checked-in, blah-blah, and the conference got right to work. There are people from China, Singapore, Romania, Mexico, all over the place, here! We have professors speaking from the UK, Australia, California, and Hawaii. It really is fascinating.

I love the lectures. I love the dicussions...but at the same time, I'm missing something. I'm trying to be social. I'm trying to have fun, sound smart, and be social. I, apparently, am none of these things. I feel like I talk to much, so then I don't talk at all. I'm afraid of sounding stupid, so I sometimes say nothing. There are people that know so much more than I do, that I don't feel qualified to speak. I am not as passionate as some of these people. I do not have an opinion on some of these matters. And frankly, I'm nervous about going into my profession where there are so many things WRONG.

I am excited because one of the lecturer, Sallie James from Austrailia working with the CATO Institute, is doing 3 lectures on agricultural subsidies! Why is that exciting, you ask? Because that's what I'm doing for my Roosevelt Scholars class. I went to speak with her after her first lecture, and was stuttering and thanking her and overall looking like an idiot. She did however sit next to me at lunch today. I think she may have forgotten.

But I miss Dave. I miss my Dad. I miss my friends. I'm trying to be social, but no one is interested in me. They're interested in my major, perhaps, and what I think about what our lecturers are saying...but that's not me. And I'm so overwhelmed that I sometimes just sit there stupidly. I have nothing interesting to say. I do not stick out. I am not special.

I finished the manga series Absolute Boyfriend and Riiko, the main character, said all she wanted was someone to tell her she was special. I want that from someone. Not Dave, not my Dad, but someone. I want someone to tell me I'm pretty, that I'm intellectual, and I want them to fall in love with me. Of course, I'd end up breaking there heart and then feeling like an awful person for wanting that but...it's nice when someone you don't know tells you that you're special.

I guess I just have to keep telling myself that.

I'm going to San Fransisco tomorrow as we have a free day after lunch for the whole evening. I'm going with a girl from China, MiaoMiao (yes, it's pronounced like the sound a cat makes). She's very nice, and she asked if she could go with me. I, of course, said yes. Who knows if we'll go with anyone else or what we'll do.

I guess we'll see.

Berkeley is nothing like Georgia

Wow.

That's really about all I can say for now. I'm a little tired, and I just translated something from my host in Japanese and wrote a response back. So, my brain's a little fried.

No more mustache!

I completly fail at making Japanese sentences. I try. But I fail. Oh, well, I hardly no any grammer, so that's to be expected.

I think I'm getting the hang of it though. I'll have to decide what I want my ratio of anti-socialness : studying shall be. Maybe I can study around people. Who knows.

Go off to Berkeley tomorrow. Well, I arrive there on Saturday, but after work/painting tomorrow, my Dad and I head off until we get tired. Should only have a couple hour trip from wherever that is to UC-B. We'll see. We'll see.

I was super productive today! Maybe it was because I got to hear Dave's voice for the first time in awhile. I cleaned my Dad's kitched (re-organized and such), edited a lot of this book he's working on editing, wrote 3 posts, study 1 lesson of Japanese and worked on 25 hiragana (more than half what you really need to know), unpacked everything, repacked for Berkeley, found my medicine and movies (this is so much stuff that the computer had to pause of for a couple seconds), and went to Vons and bought part of my Dad's gift and milk, and worked on my Dad's website for deleting spammmm.

Well, it seemed a lot more productive than that. Though that is a lot of stuff.

I just really need to start cracking down on the studying. That and getting ready for my classes next semester.

Summer reading in high-school is nothing compared to this.

And ohmygosh! My Dad shaved his mustache! He kind of reminds me of Tim Allen. It loks so WEIRD.

flashcard colors

I'm trying to make Japanese flashcards right now so that I can study. And I feel like I'm getting no where. I have Dave's Japanese 1001 book, but they use hiragana/katakana rather than romanji, so I can't understand it. I know about three characters in hiragana. hahaha. I guess I should study that more. But part of me thinks that I should just study romanji and speech.

I really need to start studying about 2 hours a day. Who knows if that'll even happen.

I haven't even gotten through one book for my CMLT class or my INTL research class. Of course, I'm waiting on 3 INTL books, but that's not the point. I haven't even looked at Chinese, either to review or to learn (because I still have to learn Ch 18-22 during the break).

I'm very apathetic right now. I just...don't want to do anything. Dave didn't talk to me last night or this morning/afternoon. I guess that could be it? How pathetic.

I'm trying to get two scholarships out, and I know I will one, but I don't know about the other.

How pathetic.

daughters and their fathers

I just failed so utterly at being a supportive, caring, loving daughter.

Why can't I do anything right?

Doctor Who: The Forest of the Dead

Doctor Who this week was a pretty good episode, but it made me very sad at the same time. Mainly for two reasons:
1) Donna DID have her pefect man, and he was right there, trying to call for her, but got teleported out. That made me almost cry. I even yelled at the screen and taped on it, saying "He's right there!"
2) I don't like this River Song. How does she know the Doctor's name? And if they're in love, which obviously she must be with him and he with her if he cried and told her his name, then what about Rose? What happened to Rose? And does this mean that in some season to come, with David Tennant obviously as The Doctor, River Song will become the new companion. And MARRIED to the Doctor, as Moffat made the script sound?

I guess we'll just have to wait and see. I'm not sure if I can handle it.

I want the Doctor and Rose. I want them together forever. Perfect and in love.

Can't that happen?

---
Is it a bad thing that I like the 10th Doctor and Rose so much? It doesn't mean I don't like other people, I just have my OTP. I won't give it up for just anything; but I mean, if things change, and the Doctor's happy, that's all that matters right?

Gosh, it's a fictional show. What the hell am I on about?

if only we could go back

Dave and I were chatting over Skype today (not speaking, but using their IM feature), and he said something.

"I wish I had asked you to come to France with me."

I was shocked. It is a big step, but that's not what shocked me the most. But this trip was suppossed to be about him. About him finding himself, finding what he wants and needs in life. It was about him immersing himself in another culture and seeing how he fares for himself. I told him that me being there was a big "no-no" for him, and that was why we weren't even seeing eachother in Japan.

"In retrospect, it would've worked out better."

He wants me there with him. And I want to be there with him. Badly. I can't imagine how happy I would've been to travel with him. To see France with him. But no...no, he went off and I went to California away from him. Why did he tell me that? It just makes things worse because of how badly I want to be with him. Why didn't he figure this out before he left? I could have worked on my French, and if I could've afforded it, I would've been there in a heartbeat.

How much better would I feel right now if I were with him?

Instead, I'm stuck here with a headache, doing absolutly nothing when I should be working on a website or studying japanese, walking on eggshells around my father. And he's over in France, experiencing wonderful new things and -right now- sick.

For some reason he won't even really talk to me. Maybe we just haven't had time. He hasn't told me any stories about the people there or things he's done. And I've chatted with him twice in the past four days. I barely heard his voice when we did get Skype to work properly.

How much different, how much better, would things be if I were with him now in France?

shocking little things

Part of me can't wait to be a parent. Just for all the reasons anyone would want to be a parent. Most people know them, so I'm not going to go into that.

But the weirdest part, I would imagine, is watching your children grow up. I think my Dad had a little of that today. I went to Payless (he was at the bank across the street) and bought some earrings and a pair of silver slightly wedged shoes to go with my fabulous black dress I got at Old Navy.

When we came home, I was anxious to see what the shoes looked like with the dress. They're not my usual style, so I was fearful. I came out, and my Dad took one look at me and just looked shocked. He looked completly blown away. And he just said "Wow" a few times. It was like he realized that his daughter wasn't a youngest anymore. I think it was weird for both of us.

We'll have to see if this ever happens to me.

By-the-by, Dave was not kidnapped by Armenians. I am glad to say. However, he hasn't contacted me since this morning. I'm already in withdrawls. Pathetic? Maybe...

that's all it takes

As much as I am a worry-wort, I don't actually like to worry.

When i'm nervous, I understand it. I clean, I jitter, and I know. I have control of the situation: or rather, as much control as a nervous person can't.

But worrying...it makes my stomach hurt. It gives me a headache, and most of all, it makes me more than nervous.

I haven't heard from Dave in more than two days now, I believe. Two days, big whoop. It's kind of frightning. He's in another country. What if something happened to him? What could I do? Is he alright?

I know he's probably going to get on soon and then I'll be thinking that I'm a complete idiot for worrying so much. But I miss him. I miss him terribly.

We've been seperated before, so I knew what this was going to be like. And really, it's a lot better than it was last time. I miss a lot of things though. Not just his kisses and his smile, but the little things. And I miss sleeping next to him. I miss curling up against his back. I miss waking up beside him or watching him sleep at night.

It's been almost a month since I've seen it. And it'll probably be about a month until I see him again. I have awhile to go.

I'd be better if he just called....

Beware of the fangirls

I am so excited. I have not been this excited since...well, I don't even know.

I just saw the new episode of Doctor Who, which raised some questions, but was absolutly fantastic! But what made it even better was the mid-season trailer....Oh my gosh! I am so incredibly excited.

But I'm nervous.

Nervous because what is The Doctor going to say to Rose when he sees her? How are they going to react? Has she gotten over The Doctor? Or has he gotten over her?

I don't want them to get over eachother. I want them to be together! And if they can't, I want to know that they really, always, truly WANT to be together.

Is Rose going to die? Is that how they'll seperate them for REAL this time? And how exactly did she get into his Universe and out of her own?

And are people starting to think Donna and the Doctor should hook up? No siree! It's Rose all the freakin' way!