It feels like I made a difference

Obama has become the 44th President-Elect of the United States of America.

I feel so much hope. I feel so happy. Not ecstatic, yelling happy, but this kind of bubbling, quiet happy. I feel like I really can make a difference - that this shows to the world that America isn't like they think we are.

I'm looking forward to the next four years. I think most people are.

All that stuff you don't want to think about

I know Mom and Dave and everyone else have told me to chill out. To take things as they come and to look around me to make sure I'm not missing any doors.

And honestly, I'm trying. It's just hard.

The Mid-term Fellowship Application came out today. Unexpectedly early. I was excited, nervous, scared, happy all at once.

I found out my summer program, with flights is going to cost about $9000. That was a little bit of a shock, and now I'm scrambling for money for that one. I don't know if any of my financial aid can go towards that. Maybe it can? But I don't need more loans...

The list of scholarships to do is as follows:
Schafer
HISP (Courts)
MidTerm
Incentive
Phi Kappa
CET Academics (2 different ones)
Franklin College
Murphy
IEW
Pickering Fellowship

I think that's it. Which, unfortunately, doesn't seem like enough. The Alumni scholarship I found out only 1 person gets. Do I think that I would've tried harder if I had known that? No. I believe I did my best. There's nothing more I can do now except look for more scholarships, and if I get the Midterm and am allowed to keep the HISP (if I get that as well), to use some of that study abroad money towards this China program.

I just...I want it to work.

Time, time just flies by

I'm stressed. Super-super-duper stressed. And I realize this. And I also realize that I can do stuff about it. I just don't want too.

I don't want to give up any of my clubs or any of my classes. I don't want to work less hours at work. I like what I do. In the quiet moments that I do think about it, I do enjoy it. I like thinking that I make a difference in somebody's life. I need that feeling. Maybe it's some kind of "self-worth" thing, maybe that's why I want to be a diplomat, a foreign service officer. Maybe it's because I just realize that every little difference counts.

But will it be enough?

Because no matter how much I like it, I am still defined by certain measures by certain people who have certain power. And what can I say that will let them see that I am real, that I mean what I say, and though I do want the money, I want it to help people.

If my reasons for helping people are selfish, do they still count as helping someone? Or do they become something else? Something less than helping? Something that is just as selfish as if I were one of those people on wall street making $500 million a year for practically nothing.

I want to get my hands dirty. I want to stir up emotions in people, stir up thoughts. I don't want to be teacher confined to a classroom, but a teacher of the world.

I changed my background to "The School of Athens" by Raphael (?). It makes me look at Hypatia each time, the only woman, and think that she did it in a world of men. Makes me think of everyone who can achieve it.

Finished my first rough draft of my policy paper: 14 pages. Started my essay for History. We'll see how that goes. My 4 year anniversary is tomorrow. And I don't think I've ever been so in love.

Isn't it funny...

I am at once stressed, excited; nervous, but happy. I have so much going for me, and I can see that. When I'm not swamped; drowning in my own work. And there's a lot of it.

People keep telling me " why are you doing so much?" But I just don't feel like I'm doing enough. Have I found the wrong clubs, the wrong major? Is that why I'm not truly fulfilled, because I'm not in the right area...but that can't be it. Because when I think about it, I know that this is what I'm supposed to do. What I want to do.

I get to spend Mom's birthday with her tomorrow, and that makes me very happy. I also finished my new proposal, which I'm excited about (I have my HEART behind it). I am half-way through the next chapter in history, and I actually DID my philosophy homework instead of in class.

However, I have a Chinese Test tomorrow. Luckily, I have all day tomorrow to work on it. During classes (yeah, I shouldn't do that...); I'm going to study instead of go to work tomorrow; and getting up early to study. I have some of the the workbook to finish too, but it's only some translations, and not even a lot of those. I'll probably do that tonight before hopping into bed.

I need to keep praying to God that I'm on the right track, and to give me strength. I know that I can do this, that I do better as the semester goes along, and that I can get the MidTerm.

I just keep getting so scared too. Scared enough that it's hard to breathe sometimes.

One month in...

Well, not quite. We're about 5 days shy now of the "month" marker. But it is the start of the 4th week. Wow. Back already for a month? How time flys!

I'm already starting to get stressed. Frazzled. A least around the edges. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have Dave, or Shannon for that matter. She's my best friend now. Well, save Dave. But he doesn't count.

The lady at the dining hall asked where my "shadow" was this morning. I was utterly confused for a minute and then smiled and said that he had overslept and that I was alone this morning. And apparently another one called Dave and I "two peas in a pod." How cute that they know us together now by sight. I mean, we do go there for breakfast and dinner a lot. Last year too. It's habit now. And I enjoy having Dave wake me up, and see him at breakfast. No matter how grumpy I am, or annoyed that it took him so long. I love it.

I'm stressed mostly about scholarships. I have the HISP which I'm applying for in November, and I'm trying to figure out how I am going to PAY for Oxford. It's about $16,000. I've found some scholarships here and there, but the money is supposed to be due by the 12th of December. A lot of the scholarships aren't sent in until AFTER that. I don't really know what to do! I mean, every $500 helps...but how many $500's is that?! I have the UGA Alumni which goes to about $3000. The Arcadia, which goes to about $2500. The UGA Foundation isn't due until January (which doesn't help with inital payments, you IDIOTS!). There's another minimum of $500 one, so that could help.

I'm going to talk with a Study Abroad Advisor about China in the Summer, and I'm going to ask her for more Oxford scholarships and tell her the one's I've already found. Tell her my woes. IF the HISP doesn't cover everything, or I do get it, I have a few more up my sleeve for that too. So that's nice. Pretty much China is set. Now I just have to pick the program.

It's just...I WANT to go to Oxford, but I don't want to pay so much! Or rather, I don't want Uncle Jack to pay so much. And even if I work two jobs January-March until we go, it won't help with the inital payments. And Uncle Jack won't take the money back even if I mail it to him! Maybe I can come up with a secret plan? Have Grami get their bank information, or sneak them checks, or something. I'll have to be clever.

But I don't want it to come down to that.

Classes aren't HARD, per se. They're a lot of reading. I'm -mostly- keeping up. But it seems like just barely. Chinese is pretty awesome; just hard. But our teacher is amazing, and I can feel myself getting better at it. I hope.

I had a History paper due Tuesday, my first Roosevelt outline due Monday, and I have an International Affairs quiz Friday. Busy week, but not as busy as my roommates.

Housing and those people is an ENTIRELY different story.

I know I shouldn't be stressing out. And maybe it's just with introductory meetings going on...maybe I just want to DO something. Something big. Something that says "I'm a leader! I want to help the world! I want to DO something." But what? I feel like it's being done. By someone. And why would I want to compete with someone when I could help out their cause, which is at least similar to mine? I'm working on leadership roles, and I plan to talk to Dr. Williams about it too. I need to show him my face more: put a name to it at least. I figure that maybe he'll be able to give me some advice. Right?

I must say...as much as I'm looking forward to Oxford...the combination Oxford/China means that I probably won't see Dave for 6 months. Honestly, that's frightening. He threatened to tickle me earlier when I started crying. Then we watched Star Trek Voyager. Or maybe that was after.

Well, here's to sleep and me finishing my book so that I can move on to actual school books.

It's Coming...

I'm getting more and more nervous, and my Dad isn't really helping matters.

I'm afraid about my transfer flights. ANA isn't as cooperative as I would like them to be. I'm afraid -and my Dad made me even more paranoid- that I'm going to miss my connection in Tokyo to Sapporo. I have back up plans, but I want to be optimistic about it.

I'm also worried about my connection on the way back from Sapporo to Tokyo. I won't need it, but I still have it, and they may cancel my seat. I'm going to go to the airport and/or call ANA and tell them that my plans changed unexpectantly and that I won't need the one connection because I'm already in Tokyo. But I'm afraid they'll be like "Well, then, you're going to have to cancel that ticket for $200." And I don't have $200 to cancel any ticket with. What do I say to that though? I'm afraid I'm going to get angry and start shouting. Hopefully my Ma can help with that. I guess there's nothing I can do now about it.

Hopefully if I miss my connection they won't make me pay for it. I really don't have money for that.

Dave may be staying with me at my hosts place for the time I'm there! How exciting! I don't know how I'm going to react when I see him, there or just whenever I do get to see him. I think I've almost forgiven him for being a complete idiot.

I feel like I have so much stuff to do before I leave...which is tomorrow! I'll be staying in a hotel with my Dad at LAX, and my flight takes off at 12:25pm. I think we'll get there at about 9:30-10:00; that should give us plenty of time.

Tomorrow night, I'll be starting my new blog. It's to the left there, that first one. Yup, right there! Kudos to people who can get the refrence.

So what to do today: Clean the refridgerator, learn Japanese, go to Best Buy, scan Japanese book for Dave, posts, shower, watch movies, eat. Oh, and charge my phone so that I can call Mom. I'm debating taking my phone to Japan, since I have an international one. We'll see.

Merlin Memories

Sometimes I feel like Merlin.
Where every hello is actually the last goodbye.
And sometimes, there isn't anything you can do.

Doctor Who : Turn Left

This episode was vaguely reminesent of "Blink" from Season 3. It was slightly different because you weren't transported there, you could come back it seemed. But, the alien worked about the same.

Anyway, it was way cool to see Rose. She was way more awesome than the other Rose. Well, she was the same Rose, and yet, not the same Rose. A more confident Rose, a Rose changed by the Doctor. She seemed upset too, but still in control. I liked one of her lines: "I don't know, but it sounds like something the Doctor would say." And then she giggled. I loved the flashes at the end with Donna remembering Rose. The Bad Wolf again was a sight for sore eyes. I loved that. It would've been better if there were one or two flashes in the beginning with it on the banners in the city/planet.

It was sad to see the Doctor dead, and to remember that far back. Martha dead too. That world sucked. The Doctor figuring it was Rose at the end was pretty heartwrenching too. He figured it out kind of quick. Oh...this is going to be good! I wonder if Rose is going to die though...we'll see. 

I did like the concept that one small thing changes entire lives, not even just yours, but a lot of peoples. I just can't wait for next weeks! I hope I can get it in Japan. I don't know what I'll do if I don't! What is going to happen between the Doctor and Rose? He seemed both shocked she was coming and upset. Well, upset because Bad Wolf = destorying the Universe.

P.S. I didn't really notice anything wrong with Rose's speech. Hmm...maybe I was just too excited she was back to give a shit.

One week...

you just have to find the right balance

Well, it's over.

It was a wonderful week and I learned a ton of information. I'm still unsure about some things, but I mostly support the Free-Market now. I'd like to read some critics on it, just so that I know how to defend it. I think it's a very middle-of-the-road kind of thing that we did here: some intense, "conservative" markets, but very "liberal" social/environmental change.

For the recond, look up "bio-cities," especially Masdor City in UAE. Then we can talk.

I certainly am going to miss some of the people here. Certainly not all, but I was just opening up and really becoming "friends" with some people here. And people remembered my name! Even the faculty did! It was quite amazing. I would really like to do an internship with either IHS or the CATO Institue in DC either one summer or semester. I think I'm going to have to add that on my "things to do" list.

They gave up some good advice in life too. And frankly, I'm so glad I came. Plus, I got a ton of free stuff. No shit. A lot.

Dad comes tomorrow at 10 to pick me up, and breakfast at 8.30, so I should go to bed soon. I was at the social for a little bit, but it was getting really hot and my stomach is acting really funny.

I'm so nervous about Japan. When I get back to Brawley, and in the car tomorrow, that's really all I need to do. Read Japanese and work on excercises. I really need to not sound like a complete moron when I go over there. But it's going to be so hard with 4 new books to read! And I have such a list of books to GET to.

Gosh!

I did also get $20 for one of the "projects" we did. Sweet deal there.

I'm definitely going to shamelessly plug IHS when I get back.

P.S. I didn't do a presentation, but that's ok. I am going to e-mail Michael Floyd about something, and that's going to be my big project for now. It also got REALLY nice and warm here the past two days. Ohhh! It was so very, very nice.

broken toes and laughs in cable cars

I like fucking broke my toe. I am in a lot of throbbing pain in my right foot right now.

This all started from...

This morning we had only one lecture for three hours and then lunch. Then, a big group of us went to San Fransisco because we had a free day. I'm not a picture-taking-large-group kind of person so I was turned off by the magnitude of people going. Unfortuently, I'm also the kind of person that can't be alone. I mean, I can be alone and I like it, but in a strange city...I feel like I should be exploring it with someone, and I like having someone to talk to.

So I went through most of the afternoon/early evening not enjoying what we were seeing partially because of that, partially because my back hurt, and partially because I had seen everything before. We did go through Chinatown, which I hadn't seen, but we didn't stop anywhere, and there were so many of us that we took up the whole sidewalk. I just couldn't enjoy it.

New York Chinatown is better.

But during dinner we spilt up and our 20 person group because 9. It was much more enjoyable, and I could actually open up with the people I was with and laugh hystericlly with them. Seriously. I was laughing a lot of the night tonight. We have this Romanian guy who goes to school in the UK and he is terribly funny. We talked about British accents, and homeless, and well, all kinds of crazy stuff. I have some memorable quotes too...about the difference between "ferry" and "fairy," "below me" sounding like "blow me." He's a crazy kid.

So it got better and funnier and I enjoyed myself more. I would've liked Dave to be here. I can't wait to explore cities, just the two of us.

I did ride an old cable car and see the UN building, which was pretty awesome as well.

But on the way back...we were almost to the building, seriously three blocks, and I just RAMMED by foot into an un-even sidewalk. It was funny too because Razvan (the Romanian) was talking about how the British don't say "fuck you" and I just started saying "fuck" a whole lot after I smashed my toe in. I hobbled/hopped the rest of the way back and one of the girls with us brought my some band-aids. It's still throbbing, though the pain has de-intensified.

I found my notebook. That's a plus.

Lectures start again tomorrow. Wednesday, a presentation at the end of Thursday for me, and then breakfast Friday and that's it. I'm kind of glad it's almost over and kind of not. Glad because I want to see my Dad, and I'm always nervous around everyone, and it's cold here, and that means Japan is soon. And not because I like the lectures and the people are funny, and that means Japan's soon.

Oh, well.

Institue for Humane Studies

I have had more theory in my life than I've ever had ever before. Really and truly. And more Economics than I've done since Senior year in high-school, and probably more in this past two days than I did all year. 

I'm absolutly amazed that I got in to this and that I'm doing it, really.

I didn't realize how huge of a thing this IHS is. My Ma was worried I would have to pay for it though it said it was free, and I was afraid that a) it would be boring or b) it would be a cult group. It is in fact, none of the above.

I got here on Saturday with my Dad, checked-in, blah-blah, and the conference got right to work. There are people from China, Singapore, Romania, Mexico, all over the place, here! We have professors speaking from the UK, Australia, California, and Hawaii. It really is fascinating.

I love the lectures. I love the dicussions...but at the same time, I'm missing something. I'm trying to be social. I'm trying to have fun, sound smart, and be social. I, apparently, am none of these things. I feel like I talk to much, so then I don't talk at all. I'm afraid of sounding stupid, so I sometimes say nothing. There are people that know so much more than I do, that I don't feel qualified to speak. I am not as passionate as some of these people. I do not have an opinion on some of these matters. And frankly, I'm nervous about going into my profession where there are so many things WRONG.

I am excited because one of the lecturer, Sallie James from Austrailia working with the CATO Institute, is doing 3 lectures on agricultural subsidies! Why is that exciting, you ask? Because that's what I'm doing for my Roosevelt Scholars class. I went to speak with her after her first lecture, and was stuttering and thanking her and overall looking like an idiot. She did however sit next to me at lunch today. I think she may have forgotten.

But I miss Dave. I miss my Dad. I miss my friends. I'm trying to be social, but no one is interested in me. They're interested in my major, perhaps, and what I think about what our lecturers are saying...but that's not me. And I'm so overwhelmed that I sometimes just sit there stupidly. I have nothing interesting to say. I do not stick out. I am not special.

I finished the manga series Absolute Boyfriend and Riiko, the main character, said all she wanted was someone to tell her she was special. I want that from someone. Not Dave, not my Dad, but someone. I want someone to tell me I'm pretty, that I'm intellectual, and I want them to fall in love with me. Of course, I'd end up breaking there heart and then feeling like an awful person for wanting that but...it's nice when someone you don't know tells you that you're special.

I guess I just have to keep telling myself that.

I'm going to San Fransisco tomorrow as we have a free day after lunch for the whole evening. I'm going with a girl from China, MiaoMiao (yes, it's pronounced like the sound a cat makes). She's very nice, and she asked if she could go with me. I, of course, said yes. Who knows if we'll go with anyone else or what we'll do.

I guess we'll see.

Berkeley is nothing like Georgia

Wow.

That's really about all I can say for now. I'm a little tired, and I just translated something from my host in Japanese and wrote a response back. So, my brain's a little fried.

No more mustache!

I completly fail at making Japanese sentences. I try. But I fail. Oh, well, I hardly no any grammer, so that's to be expected.

I think I'm getting the hang of it though. I'll have to decide what I want my ratio of anti-socialness : studying shall be. Maybe I can study around people. Who knows.

Go off to Berkeley tomorrow. Well, I arrive there on Saturday, but after work/painting tomorrow, my Dad and I head off until we get tired. Should only have a couple hour trip from wherever that is to UC-B. We'll see. We'll see.

I was super productive today! Maybe it was because I got to hear Dave's voice for the first time in awhile. I cleaned my Dad's kitched (re-organized and such), edited a lot of this book he's working on editing, wrote 3 posts, study 1 lesson of Japanese and worked on 25 hiragana (more than half what you really need to know), unpacked everything, repacked for Berkeley, found my medicine and movies (this is so much stuff that the computer had to pause of for a couple seconds), and went to Vons and bought part of my Dad's gift and milk, and worked on my Dad's website for deleting spammmm.

Well, it seemed a lot more productive than that. Though that is a lot of stuff.

I just really need to start cracking down on the studying. That and getting ready for my classes next semester.

Summer reading in high-school is nothing compared to this.

And ohmygosh! My Dad shaved his mustache! He kind of reminds me of Tim Allen. It loks so WEIRD.

flashcard colors

I'm trying to make Japanese flashcards right now so that I can study. And I feel like I'm getting no where. I have Dave's Japanese 1001 book, but they use hiragana/katakana rather than romanji, so I can't understand it. I know about three characters in hiragana. hahaha. I guess I should study that more. But part of me thinks that I should just study romanji and speech.

I really need to start studying about 2 hours a day. Who knows if that'll even happen.

I haven't even gotten through one book for my CMLT class or my INTL research class. Of course, I'm waiting on 3 INTL books, but that's not the point. I haven't even looked at Chinese, either to review or to learn (because I still have to learn Ch 18-22 during the break).

I'm very apathetic right now. I just...don't want to do anything. Dave didn't talk to me last night or this morning/afternoon. I guess that could be it? How pathetic.

I'm trying to get two scholarships out, and I know I will one, but I don't know about the other.

How pathetic.

daughters and their fathers

I just failed so utterly at being a supportive, caring, loving daughter.

Why can't I do anything right?

Doctor Who: The Forest of the Dead

Doctor Who this week was a pretty good episode, but it made me very sad at the same time. Mainly for two reasons:
1) Donna DID have her pefect man, and he was right there, trying to call for her, but got teleported out. That made me almost cry. I even yelled at the screen and taped on it, saying "He's right there!"
2) I don't like this River Song. How does she know the Doctor's name? And if they're in love, which obviously she must be with him and he with her if he cried and told her his name, then what about Rose? What happened to Rose? And does this mean that in some season to come, with David Tennant obviously as The Doctor, River Song will become the new companion. And MARRIED to the Doctor, as Moffat made the script sound?

I guess we'll just have to wait and see. I'm not sure if I can handle it.

I want the Doctor and Rose. I want them together forever. Perfect and in love.

Can't that happen?

---
Is it a bad thing that I like the 10th Doctor and Rose so much? It doesn't mean I don't like other people, I just have my OTP. I won't give it up for just anything; but I mean, if things change, and the Doctor's happy, that's all that matters right?

Gosh, it's a fictional show. What the hell am I on about?

if only we could go back

Dave and I were chatting over Skype today (not speaking, but using their IM feature), and he said something.

"I wish I had asked you to come to France with me."

I was shocked. It is a big step, but that's not what shocked me the most. But this trip was suppossed to be about him. About him finding himself, finding what he wants and needs in life. It was about him immersing himself in another culture and seeing how he fares for himself. I told him that me being there was a big "no-no" for him, and that was why we weren't even seeing eachother in Japan.

"In retrospect, it would've worked out better."

He wants me there with him. And I want to be there with him. Badly. I can't imagine how happy I would've been to travel with him. To see France with him. But no...no, he went off and I went to California away from him. Why did he tell me that? It just makes things worse because of how badly I want to be with him. Why didn't he figure this out before he left? I could have worked on my French, and if I could've afforded it, I would've been there in a heartbeat.

How much better would I feel right now if I were with him?

Instead, I'm stuck here with a headache, doing absolutly nothing when I should be working on a website or studying japanese, walking on eggshells around my father. And he's over in France, experiencing wonderful new things and -right now- sick.

For some reason he won't even really talk to me. Maybe we just haven't had time. He hasn't told me any stories about the people there or things he's done. And I've chatted with him twice in the past four days. I barely heard his voice when we did get Skype to work properly.

How much different, how much better, would things be if I were with him now in France?

shocking little things

Part of me can't wait to be a parent. Just for all the reasons anyone would want to be a parent. Most people know them, so I'm not going to go into that.

But the weirdest part, I would imagine, is watching your children grow up. I think my Dad had a little of that today. I went to Payless (he was at the bank across the street) and bought some earrings and a pair of silver slightly wedged shoes to go with my fabulous black dress I got at Old Navy.

When we came home, I was anxious to see what the shoes looked like with the dress. They're not my usual style, so I was fearful. I came out, and my Dad took one look at me and just looked shocked. He looked completly blown away. And he just said "Wow" a few times. It was like he realized that his daughter wasn't a youngest anymore. I think it was weird for both of us.

We'll have to see if this ever happens to me.

By-the-by, Dave was not kidnapped by Armenians. I am glad to say. However, he hasn't contacted me since this morning. I'm already in withdrawls. Pathetic? Maybe...

that's all it takes

As much as I am a worry-wort, I don't actually like to worry.

When i'm nervous, I understand it. I clean, I jitter, and I know. I have control of the situation: or rather, as much control as a nervous person can't.

But worrying...it makes my stomach hurt. It gives me a headache, and most of all, it makes me more than nervous.

I haven't heard from Dave in more than two days now, I believe. Two days, big whoop. It's kind of frightning. He's in another country. What if something happened to him? What could I do? Is he alright?

I know he's probably going to get on soon and then I'll be thinking that I'm a complete idiot for worrying so much. But I miss him. I miss him terribly.

We've been seperated before, so I knew what this was going to be like. And really, it's a lot better than it was last time. I miss a lot of things though. Not just his kisses and his smile, but the little things. And I miss sleeping next to him. I miss curling up against his back. I miss waking up beside him or watching him sleep at night.

It's been almost a month since I've seen it. And it'll probably be about a month until I see him again. I have awhile to go.

I'd be better if he just called....

Beware of the fangirls

I am so excited. I have not been this excited since...well, I don't even know.

I just saw the new episode of Doctor Who, which raised some questions, but was absolutly fantastic! But what made it even better was the mid-season trailer....Oh my gosh! I am so incredibly excited.

But I'm nervous.

Nervous because what is The Doctor going to say to Rose when he sees her? How are they going to react? Has she gotten over The Doctor? Or has he gotten over her?

I don't want them to get over eachother. I want them to be together! And if they can't, I want to know that they really, always, truly WANT to be together.

Is Rose going to die? Is that how they'll seperate them for REAL this time? And how exactly did she get into his Universe and out of her own?

And are people starting to think Donna and the Doctor should hook up? No siree! It's Rose all the freakin' way!

Everything's wrong, but it's alright?

My parents have to be the strongest people I know.

My Dad, through it all, has only cried once. Of course, just watching him his breaking my heart, but I'm trying to stay calm and happy. I want to punch his stupid ex-wife in the face and laugh while she cries. But that won't happen. My Dad said "I can't be mad at her." I said, "Well, I can." I don't understand what she's doing, and honestly, I do think she does either. I think she's in denile that she has so much debt because of my Dad's store. But she married that, and it's her responaibility to help him over that hurdle and figure things out together.

When I get married one day, I want to know that I could be flat broke and completly devoted to one another.

She flipped. She shouldn't have done it in the first place.

I think my Ma's doing well too. She seems to be handling everything fine. I really couldn't ask for more.

I'm starting to get everything ready for Japan, but really, none of that compares to everything my parents have been through.

I hope I inherited both their strength.

It's the ritual and the dance

Going on a trip is a test of skill. It's a dance. And most of all, a ritual. At least, for me it is.

This time the ritual was a little different, but only by a little. This time, my Mother didn't run through all the things I would need to make sure I had everything. It was all up to me. I had to triple-check myself: no help.

The ritual of the things for me is this: For the week before, I put things I find around my room and house that I think I might need. Not clothes mind you, but all the other things. It sits there in a pile in my room until the night before. Because, of course, the ritual must happen the night before I take off. I sit in the living room -it has more room- with everything surrounding me. Clothes in various piles, books, school things, etc., etc. I look at my bag, look at my things, put in a good show or movie, and begin the ritual packing. Usually it takes only one time, but sometimes the ritual was not completed correctly the first time and I must begin again to satisfaction. That is what happened this time.

The dance is what comes next. The dance is the time at the airport. We watch each other in this dance. Test the fludity of the movements. The more apt you are to the dance, the more fluid each motion is. You need no help with your baggage, you get it right the first time, you smile and say thank you as if this wasn't stressful, and when it comes to security you pull everything out with a sure motion. It is quick, painless. IF you are good at this dance.

I must admit, I am pretty good at the dance. I could have been better, of course, but anyone can. I need little help; I've learned each step long ago.

Now...it's time to fly.

Let's do the hammer thing

I went to the Chiropractor today at 9:00. (That was early!) It was one of the most interesting things I've had done. I think it'll help.

Found out about some crucial things. I have something wrong with my right leg strength, my right shoulder is higher up, and the arche in my left foot is falling. Of course, the doctor also told me that I was holding all my stress in and that I needed to stop bottling it up.

He asked what my stress was on a scale of 1 to 10. I said a definite 8, at least. He looked shocked.

He also said that the rear ending that Dave got in about 2 1/2 years ago could have caused something. So I'm going to blame Dave and make him feel bad. Nah, I'm just kidding. It's not his fault at all. I just think that's kind of funny.

I do feel a little better. Hopefully the other two will go well.

It just isn't getting any better

I'm not that crushed by my grandmother's passing. I felt prepared for it. I had my closure. I just hope I can support my mother through this time.

I think I did something to my knee, but I don't know what. It feels really hot when I bend it. I have a feeling that's not good.

I leave for California in 5 days. I'm not ready at all.

I miss Dave.

I have nothing clever to say, and no clever way to say it. I just feel...alone. Even my friends seem non-existant sometimes.

I think my grandmother's passed on as I write this. At 9:30, it was said she had about an hour left. My Ma was hysterical, and I just felt bad that I wasn't with her. She was at work and left from there. I didn't have my phone on me so I missed her call about picking me up.

I didn't see her. My Ma didn't force me too. I think I would've had a panic attack. I just can't take hospitals. I don't want to remember her like that.

But I'm afraid I feel guilty...or I feel like I should be more upset.

I just feel tired.

Dave left for France this morning at 6:00. I didn't cry that much. But it's making more tired. And I know that it's going to be hard...

This all is.

Home, home, and home

I'm home from college........

I don't think I like being back home.

None of my stuff is kept right, my posters are ripped from my cats getting them, things are everywhere. I just can't take it. I thought children's rooms are suppossed to be worshipped and adored when they left. Well, not mine.

So I'm going through my stuff, selling some of it, giving away some of it, and packing the rest of it in boxes and putting it in my closet.

I also have to get ready to go to California, where I'll be then going to Japan. And my boyfriend leaves for France in three days...he goes to Japan after I go Japan, so I won't get to see him for three months, when I pick him up from the airport before we both go off to school.

I have to stop thinking about it...

but he's such a good man

My dad's getting a divorce.

His wife wants out. He's been having money troubles for a while because he started his own business. Then his partner in another state backed out. A guy was stealing from him. Things are just not doing well. He tries so hard. He reads all the books about running a successful business, he's a great people-person and can sell stuff like no one's business. But for some reason...

He owes me money. He's suppossed to help pay for my school stuff, but he hasn't paid me since December and I don't want to pressure him for any money. I might have to ask him for some when I go to Japan, but I just don't have enough. I told my boyfriend and he offered to give me some money.

I just feel so awful.

I'm so worried for my dad because he told me once he almost took his own life. He's such a good person, a great father even though he's not with me. He tries so hard! Why can't anything work for him? Why can't he just be happy?

I thought his wife told him "in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad"? Have the vows changed? How does that show him love? How can she not stand beside him?

In other news, I'm finished with this semester. I'm getting ready to go home. And my mom was just yelling at me that I didn't ask her when she is working so she could take me to the airport.

Whatever.

I should probably be worried...

Heshrsu*q#w$yn adsg

yEAH, THAT'S ABOUT ALL i HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT.

My caps was on. Oops.

My Chinese Final is tomorrow. Woo...I'm so going to fail. ;_;

It's the old stories that get you...

“I’m leaving!” A somewhat violent, somewhat completely invigorated young voice yells down the empty office.
“Mia! It’s about time!” This time an older voice, somewhat world weary, leans in.
“Boss, you know—“
“I know you have to eat, my little one!” The first voice laughed, as the lights in the streets winked out, and a car honked as it passed the headquarters.
“Little one.” She laughed, a short, sad sound. “You sound like my mother.” The woman picked up her purse, and old, ragged black thing with beads on the straps, and sighed. “I’m going home. G’night, Boss.”
“’Night, Mia. Good luck tomorrow. Make me proud.” Her boss laughed and the lights on the street twinkled back on as the elevator sprang open and the young woman disappeared into its mirrored depths.
She sighed after the door closed, leaning self-consciously against the back mirror wall. Who knew she would be here of all places working her small life into nothingness. Before she knew it, her laugh came back, and the memories, the nostalgia.
“You have a sad laugh.” He looked at her with such tender eyes. She knew they were fake. Glazed with tenderness so she would accept him, believe him. His hand touched her cheek, which was flushed with drink. “Why?”
“Sadness,” she hiccupped, her hand over his, her eyes downcast. She didn’t want to look into the fake eyes. “Sadness follows me.” She couldn’t - wouldn’t- fight life anymore.
She gave in.
Her laugh didn’t bubble up again. Her eyes didn’t meet any strangers on the subway. No fake smile grasped her lips. She couldn’t fight it anymore. She couldn’t win.
The city, the cursed place, flashed around her. She was drunk with light, with neon and steel. Her heart pulsed with the rhythmic bass of the clubs, her breath steamed below her. She had to get out of here. She had to escape. New York City could not drown her. It fought her, paralyzed and drugged her, but she would never give in. She didn’t realize she had run from the subway station. Her breath appeared in gasps before her, steamy. Her jacket hung limp around her arms, her hair had fallen out of its precise bun. Hesitantly, she turned the key to her condo.
Maybe he wasn’t here. Maybe she wouldn’t have to say goodbye. It’s not that she didn’t want to part, and saying goodbye would just be easier on her strained emotions and fragile heart. Please.
“There you are.” Too late. She closed the door, a new foal rounded into a corner, and the smell of cooking drifted over her. “You’re home late.” She didn’t answer. She didn’t want to talk to him. She didn’t want to look at him.
She tried to stop him, but how could she? He thought he knew her, could use her. That’s the girl she wanted him to know. She was tired of that girl.
“Get in bed. You leave tomorrow and I want a proper goodbye.” She knew it would be rude to refuse. Her arms locked to her sides, her legs robotic, she walked to the bedroom. He didn’t even notice the limpness of her walk, the sadness on her face.

She escaped before he awoke. A year of practice could easily let her slip out of bed without disturbing him. She never said goodbye. Well, not the proper, the civil, the loving way. His way of goodbye made her sick.
The airport wasn’t too crowded, but the noise drowned out her sorrows. She didn’t have to think beyond what gate she had to get to.
“Now boarding flight 1014 for Tokyo, Japan. Please have your ticket and ID out.”
The drone of voices stemmed her thoughts. Nothing else. Nothing. She had felt like this for years. Years. Ten, in fact. She had let her life drift to places she didn’t want; she had let the city, the pressure, blind and deafen her. Did she have a right?
“All first class passengers may now board.” First class. Japan. Her boss really wanted her to do well. Of course, the merger could bring about fantastic change. And it was all up to her.
“Sucker.” She whispered and handed over her ticket.

“Welcome to Tokyo, Japan.” The voice over the airport intercom charmed.
“I’m here.” She had wanted to come to this place since she was a little girl. At first, when her boss told her about the opportunity, she had blanched. Japan. No, not Japan. Why not Turkey? Siberia? Norway? But this was Japan! Her mind fought itself.
“One day,” a sound, happy, like nothing could get him down, began. “We’ll go to Japan. You and me! Together!” And her picked her up and spun her, his eyes bright with promise.
“You promise?” Her voice sounded young as joyfully as the boy’s that swung her; trusting though she asked the question. A giggle of naïveté and happiness issued from the couple.
“I promise.”
Enough time had been spent over that memory. She didn’t want to spend more time worrying over that. She was in Japan, about to do something that could boost her career, about to go through an entirely new experience.
“I bet he never even came to Japan…” And with that sick remark, she stepped out of the airport and embraced the new culture.

She had been in Tokyo for two weeks now. It had not been how she wanted to spend her time in Japan. And so, she decided to go to Kyoto. A quick vacation. The merger wasn’t going as planned; the language barrier was, of course, not an issue, but there was another business, one that had taken up her time, her offer, and taken the Japanese corporation by surprise and pushed her to the sideline.
A trip to Kyoto would help. The bullet train fascinated her every time (even though this was only the second) she rode it. She had told the company in mind that there was another company, whose name she would not say (and who, in fact, did not really exist) that wished to speak about merging. Her cleverness made her smile. Oh, she was wicked! She would have never done that with—no. That was a long time ago. People change. She changed. Her cloak of cleverness vanished, and she felt exposed.
It wasn’t long until Kyoto, and so, to wipe her mind clean, to no longer feel or think, she watched the countryside speed on beside her.
She couldn’t stop from thinking. 
“Let’s run away.” He was completely serious. His eyes didn’t flash, didn’t sparkle. His voice didn’t float on the wind, didn’t encircle and enliven her. It fell within her and vibrated her soul. He was the only person who could shake her to her very core.
“We’ll travel the world.”
“But—love, we have no money.” He hushed her with a kiss. Something she could still feel outside the memory. He suffocated her, breathed life into her; chilled and heated her; comforted and enlivened her. He was the ultimate paradox. Before she opened her eyes, he encircled her and whispered.
“It doesn’t matter…we have each other.”
How could she still think of him like that? How?!
Kyoto blurred to a stop in front of her and it took her a moment to regain her composure before she left.

That night, she received a call.
“Mia, you left without another goodbye. What’s with that?”
She didn’t want to answer him.
“I woke up late.” She never before lied as much as she did these days. “I forgot.” He was stupid. He believed her.
“Pick me up at the Tokyo Airport in three days.” He wanted to surprise her, and he did. She hung up the phone. Lost the connection, she would tell him. She didn’t want him here.
Could she run away? Not go?
No. She wasn’t like that.

Three –well, sort of- days of relaxation hadn’t helped her rather sour mood. But she went to the airport and waited. She leaned against a barrier, looking a foreigner but as comfortable as a native.
“Don’t you look menacing.” She saw him coming, and her body tensed. She didn’t want his mouth over hers. She didn’t want to feel him. She couldn’t stop it though.
“All in white, with those lovely golden locks and striking blue eyes…” He touched her hair, ran his hands through it. She wanted to take a bath.
She pulled away from him, her hand slipping from his. “Let’s go. I have work to do.”
“You better be back by eight. I want to take you out.” She had no choice. It was that or anger him. She hailed a taxi, a bright yellow thing, the touch of the West, and took him to her hotel.
His words struck her over and over. ‘Such striking blue eyes…’
“You’re so beautiful.” And she knew he meant it. She would never tell him that though.
“No, I’m not.” She kissed him before he could protest. “I don’t think I am.”
“Well, I do,” he pinned her to the grass they were picnicking on and smiled down at her gently. “You’re eyes.” He came closer and his eyes swam in her vision. She tried to look away but he wouldn’t let her. “Striking. Beautiful. Bright and dark and warm and cold all at the same time. A starburst.” He laughed, his hazel eyes warming her, his voice a carousel ride of promises and hope. “Like you.”
“Starburst.” She didn’t realize she had said the word out loud. Starburst. It was his word for her.
“Starburst? What do you mean by that?” His voice reprimanded her, though he looked out the taxi window, his cold eyes never looking away, never looking at her. “Oh, look at that!” Selfish bastard. He spoke about something outside his window, his eyes wide, his mouth open like a child’s who found a new toy. She didn’t hear him. She didn’t want to hear him, just like he didn’t want to see her.

She didn’t go back to work that day. He tried to keep her, to tangle her in sheets, but his pleasure, his perfect face made her sick. She didn’t want perfection. She wanted an escape; and right now, that wasn’t him. It would be later, when drink had her and soberness faded.
Tokyo held things that she had yet to see. It was a shame she looked so like a foreigner. She could never blend in with the Eastern, Asian culture. Blonde hair, blue eyes, pale skin seemingly never touched but by snow, and a tall height restrained her. She walked around though, her blue eyes never looking anyone in the face. She didn’t want to see them.
A little shop barraged her sight. “Anime! Manga!” Blared out from a bright neon green sign; an obvious tourist trap. Her old fantasies caught up with her and she had to go in. Ah, the very fragrance filled her mind with the countless pages she had of these books. She never read them anymore, of course, but she never threw away a book. She picked one out at random. “Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicles” appeared in her hand. Of course. Her favorite love story. Sickened, she threw it back on the shelf, turned away and faced a gorgeous kimono.
She lay underneath the sun on his backyard porch. “What if I got married in a kimono?” Was she seriously thinking that? She knew he would laugh. Instead, he came and sat beside her, encircling her like he always did.
“You can get married in rags for all I care!” She turned and hurt covered her face, but something stopped her gaping mouth from uttering a word.
His smile rang out like his voice, “As long as you marry me.” And the world glistened.
Why did these memories barrage her? What were they about? She ran out of the store, to the chagrin of the owners and found the nearest clock. August 20th, 2015: 6:01 P.M. rolled across the neon screen. That’s why. That’s why.
August 20th.
That’s why.

“How’s the merger coming along?” Her boss sounded worried; she would be happy within a moment.
“They loved out ideas. They want to merge!” She tried to sound excited. Her boss yelled on the other line, and all she heard before she hung up was, “You’ll stay there and head our Tokyo headquarters!”
No. She didn’t want to stay here. She wanted out. She had no choice.

They celebrated that night. Or rather, she got as drunk as she could and he used her. It always went like that. She didn’t fight it. What was the point?

Almost two months passed since that day, and to outsiders her life seemed perfect. She ran the headquarters in Japan, hosted huge international parties every weekend, and had a gorgeous live-in boyfriend. Yes, perfect. The red light of Tokyo tower glared down at her. It blinked on and off and every once in awhile she felt hypnotized by it.
“You ready?” His voice never flowered or soaked through, and part of her berated him for that. It was a cold voice. Harsh. And it shattered her each time he spoke. The red light blinked off as she turned.
“Do I look ready?” She didn’t try to mask her cynicism.
“You look menacing, as always.” Did he think that a compliment? She didn’t wait any longer. The party of the weekend awaited her downstairs.
She looked alright, she assumed. A red dress clung to her, with a flowing train down two inches so she seemed to glide rather than simply walk. A low, off-the-shoulder top hugged her shoulders. Pearls decorated her neck and ears. One ring glittered on her finger; a right handed simple silver band she never took off.
The usual faces glanced up at her. Five hours. Then some well deserved sleep. Maybe one champagne would do her good. Maybe it would blur all this mess.
“Oh, ma’am, I must say--” The words faded away. They were the same words she always heard. Nothing new. Nothing new. They were inferiors sucking up to their boss. Did anyone care about her here at all? She knew they didn’t. Then again, who was she to speak: she didn’t care about any of them either. They were hers and she used them as she pleased. No remorse tackled her mind, tickled her psyche or twisted her stomach. They were there so she didn’t have to think, to move. She had to breathe, inhale deeply and exhale softly, and they respected and treasured her. Maybe she never got enough love as a child?
“Yes, that’s nice. I really must see to everyone else. If you’ll excuse me?” Did she see some hurt on that face? That face who remained nameless. That face who meant nothing more to her than an ant. As though magicked into motion, she headed, not towards anyone, but towards the bar. She needed liquor. She needed a slight buzz.
“You always said you wanted to travel the world.”
Her hand stopped on the champagne glass neck she had been about to take from the counter, shaking. The waiter hired for the night stood stone-still before her. Her eyes faded in and out of color so rapidly he didn’t know what to say. Her face turned white, all the blood drained, an invisible vampire.
“You wanted to become an ambassador though, not vice-president to an American Corporation in Tokyo.” The voice stopped, as though debating whether to hurt, love, touch, or run. “Did you travel your world then?”
She didn’t move. Didn’t breathe. It couldn’t be. That voice echoed in her head. That rich, deep voice echoed in her head. It had never sounded so close, so like that before.
“I’m not an echo.”
Only one person could read her mind like that. He had died a long time ago. She didn’t turn around. She looked up at the waiter, ignoring the man behind her, and in a voice thick with loathing and sadness asked the date.
“The fourteenth of October, ma’am.” He fled before her cold, bright gaze killed him.
“Didn’t you know?” The voice behind her said. “Ironic…” Was he being serious? Sad? Happy? She didn’t know what to do, but whatever it would be, she knew she had to do it quickly.
Slowly, champagne glass shaking, she turned and faced him. “Please.” She whispered. “Be a ghost.” He didn’t hear her. She didn’t want to look up. She had to. No Yes. Inch by inch, floor to ceiling, she looked up.
He had grown. Filled in. Matured. But he hadn’t lost his joy. Why? She had lost hers! Why not him? He stood four inches taller than her now, four inches in a decade. He had thinned. Not too much, but just enough that his black tux fitted him nicely, showing off his broad shoulder and trim torso. He had cut his hair short. Unusual. She didn’t like it.
No, she loved it.
His eyes showed the smile that his lips could not. Rich, full lips that life had given him. A pale face, toned at the cheek and fragile at the eyes. Long lashes over honey mahogany eyes stained with drops of green.
She looked at a point behind him. She couldn’t get lost in his eyes. Not here. Not now. He’ll disappear soon enough. He always did.
“David.” People prided her on a commanding speech and tone, a commanding presence. This died on her lips. This name. This man. It was a foreign word. She had never called him that before.
“David?” He echoed, and his hand reached up to touch her cheek, her lips that called him a name he had never heard her say. He wanted to make her look him in the eye. She wouldn’t give in. This was one thing she would forget.
“Mia!” She jumped. That wasn’t his voice, his world, warm and inviting, sheltering and comforting despite her hatred. Where was she? Who called her like that? She looked around him, but she didn’t move. He wouldn’t move either. Their feet had locked them in place, facing each other and no one else. His eyes turned cold and she felt them covering his skin, prickling the flesh. She felt exposed suddenly.
“Oh! Frank!” She didn’t know that last time she had called Frank, that parasite that attached itself to her, that name.
Frank rushed her and smothered her lips. She didn’t want that. But like usual, she didn’t protest. What would he say? She wanted to see his reaction, and so she broke the kiss- if it could be called such.
“Mia, who are you talking to?” She didn’t like Frank being so forward. She knew inside Frank boiled with anger and possession. She had never liked that. But she answered him quickly anyway.
“This, Frank, is David. David, this is Frank, the New York Times reporter: Frank Bulchex.” She felt like she babbled over this Frank, this nothing. Her hand touched Frank’s chest as Frank’s arm clamped on her waist.
He looked down at her. Did he see Frank? How gorgeous he was? Did he see how happy she was?
Happy? No. Miserable.
“You two make a lovely couple.” He didn’t believe her for a moment and they both knew it. He said that out of etiquette, out of jealousy and anger. Frank didn’t notice; God had not blessed the man with intelligence, and so Frank continued to look around the room at all the pretty little people.
“A lovely couple…” She echoed, and finally connected with his eyes.
“Hey! Ashley!” Her best friend called to her. Her real name. Her real self. “How you’ve been? How’s Dave?” She didn’t answer, but blushed.
“Oh, if I ever had one thing come true,” her friend sighed, leaning casually against the lockers. “It would be to have a relationship like you have with Dave.” She smiled, her lips couldn’t hide it any longer.
Her breathe caught in her throat, tangled her dress and mind and hair and overwhelmed her. Wide with fear, she lowered her gaze from him. She couldn’t take it.
Ashley. Dave. Those were two names she hadn’t used in a decade. More. Who were those people? They were the people in his eyes. In the mahogany as it met blue.
“Always a starburst but not any longer.” He whispered to her and her alone before disappearing into the mass of people she didn’t care about.

It's getting to that point...

There are no proms. No graduations. Nothing really to look forward to...

Except for life.

My summer is completly booked. When I'm not traveling, I'm attempting to apply to as many scholarships as I can. Not only is this summer booked, but the next two semesters are booked. And I'm so excited. I have so many opportunities. I certainly can't fail at them all can I?!

I have two finals, one that is going to rape me until I bleed. I'll be studying hard for those next week. This week is my chill week. It's my 'catch-up-on-life-and-rp' week.

My loft came down. My bed is high now, but I don't have to climb to get in it. I just hope they actually stored it: apparently there were problems with paper work? I don't have much room, but it's comfortable. And it's only for the next two weeks barely.

Two weeks. That's not a lot.

This summer is creeping up and I'm really excited. Here are the plans: Hem Hem.

• Drive home and chill-ax. I'll be going over Japan stuff with my Ma when she's home, probably going to see my grandmother in the hospital, hanging with Dave, and then doing scholarships and learning Japanese. That'll be until about May 22nd...when I fly to California.
  
• In California, I'll be working with my Dad. I'm not quite sure where yet, but probbly at his business. I'll be calling it a "business internship" with him. It's at his own business and I'll be helping customers, learning how to fix computers, stuff like that. He'll be gone for three days, when I'll have the house to myself. I may go to Pacific Beach and surf, but who knows. Hopefully, if I get accepted, I'll also be going to a IHS Seminar at UC-Berkeley for a week. Then, on June 25th, I fly to Japan.
• In Japan, I work for a month until July 27th, the day after my 19th birthday. Then, my Ma flies in and we travel for ten days until August 6th around Japan. We're just not sure yet where exactly we're going. We have a few ideas, but...we need to cement them. I'm excited. I'm also trying to figure out how to get CMLT credit for my Chinese minor while I'm there. Basically, I'll have to read novels/plays and then write essays on them. Or something like that. Hopefully I can find a professor about that.

I've had a few downs this week: got into a big fight with Dave, internet is a bitch, stressed, thinking I have no original thoughts. But mostly I've tried to stay positive. There are people in high places that care for ME. I've found a professor to do research with again on stuff that I'm really interested in. I'm excited about the future and applying for scholarships and stuff like that.

Basically, life is going alright. It could be a little better, but I'm not complaining at all!

Now to do those posts...

Does it all matter at all?

I was just re-reading my last post, and at least two things I laughed at.

First, the work that I thought I had to do for my MARS Lab...I didn't have to do it. Yeah, I was angry when I found that out. Then again, it turns out I got the highest grade on the last Lab Quiz. That was nice. I have an 87 in there right now. It's about 25% of the final MARS grade in total, and we still have 4 grades in the air. So maybe..maybe I can pull an A off. Hopefully.

Second, I found out about the scholarship. I didn't get it. Of course I didn't. I mean, who was I kidding?

I get so frustrated though, so hurt. My boyfriend is constantly telling me how amazing I am and he actually means it. My roommate and friends are always telling me how involved I am. I try to do as much as I can. I have a 4.0. I'm in the Honors Program. I need financial help. I don't understand what turns me off to scholarship people? How am I not good enough? Is my boyfriend lying to me? I had three glowing recommendations from a research professors (of course, I'm not researching with him anymore because he resigned- ick), my boss at work, and the asst. director of the Honors Program. How was I not good enough?

How am I suppossed to pay for all of this? I feel bad having to ask my mom for money for stuff not related to tuition and things because I'm so cheap I can't buy it and she feels bad so she offers. My dad can't give me money because he can't even find himself a job and his business aren't doing so well.

I'm working hard towards the Midterm Foundation Fellowship- a pretigious scholarship that pays for your last two years and offers study abroad money and book discussions and all kinds of crazy stuff. Yet, if this scholarship doesn't think I'm good enough, how will they? What is it that I'm doing wrong? I'm trying my hardest. I'm doing all I can. What more can be done?

And then I was thinking about how I measure people's worth. Do I measure them by how many scholarships they get? No, of course not...but how am I suppossed to pay for all this?

The University is offering my about $14000 in help...but it's federal loans and a work-study. That's not really the help I'm looking for. And if I take it, in just two years, I'll have about $12000 in loans to pay back, along with the eventual repayment to my uncle who has helped sustain me so far of probably $20000.

How can I ever expect to pay that off?

This is just getting ridiculous. So ridiculous that crying doesn't even help. I'm just tired, and I feel like if I'm doing my best now and getting nothing, what do I do then?

"You have bewitched me body and soul..."

Pride & Prejudice (the 2005 one) since I first saw it, has been one of my favorite movies of all time. Needless to say, I love the director so much that I instantly fell in love with Atonement as well.

So I'm not in my contemplative mood, but in my happy, romantic mood where I believe all happiness will come around. It is my background music, what I use to think, and what I love to watch. I have other movies, but my other favorite here, Serenity, is too action-packed to get work done too.

That's about it really. I'm in my dorm room, having done all my work for my (2nd to last!) lab tomorrow. I did well on my Chinese Test today, which pleased me very much. However, I'm borderline A/A-/B in all of my classes and that makes me irritated. I'm also waiting on a scholarship and that is making me nervous! Gosh!

I have 12 days of classes left! Oh my! That's a year down.

My roommate and I have decided that the version of the Pride & Prejudice you like is like what milk you like growing up. You're partial to one or the other, depending on which one you see first. hahaha.

Anyway, the last scene reminds me of a conversation my boyfriend and I would have.
"And Goddess Divine, but only on very special occasions."
"And what shall I call you when I'm cross? Mrs. Darcy?"
"No! No...You may only call me Mrs. Darcy when you are completly, and perfectly, and incandesently happy with me."
"And how are you tonight, Mrs. Darcy?"

Such a sweet scene.

I'm such a sucker for romance.

It's just the beginning, right?

How many blogs have I started now? Maybe we all have to go through a process of blogs, like growing up. We shift, we change. Maybe it's tastes. Maybe it's people. But we do it anyway. I had myspace (though I always hated it), then xanga. All my high-school friends were there. We posted like mad; it's still funny to read some of it sometimes. Then, as my boyfriend went to college, I became obsessed with LiveJournal. It was one of our connections, so again, I wrote like crazy about everything.

But I couldn't ever explain much of what I wrote.

See, people read it. And people talked. I didn't want them talking about me. Even with the privacy settings, I still felt insecure, vulnerable.

I have a Zaadz, but while that was nice, it was a little cluttered, a little too much like facebook though I blogged on it. While I check up on all of these things peridocially, they are not for blogging. Still, people can see them, and I want my emotions away from prying eyes. Even a diary kept safe is forgotten, out of fear, or for the lack of time. I keep them. But perhaps this will be different.

I won't share this with anyone I know in real life. It will be mine. A private roller-coaster. I will feel the wind in my hair and the sand between my toes. The ocean will be mine and the stars will sing to me.

Maybe I'll share it down the road, but blogs can be diaries, and who shares their diary? Maybe I will become world famous, but would they still see this? Who knows. Who knows.

I'll probably get creative. That's always fun.

If I can find the time.