I didn't get it.

As I type this, I am kind of numb. I've cried my eyes out for the past twenty-four hours, and when I walk into Moore tomorrow for my HTA interview, I'll probably tear up again.

I feel betrayed by them, because of the reasons and things I'm hearing. I want to know if they even looked at my application. Did they just look at my GPA and major and decide whether or not I got an interview? Did they see how much work I've put into everything I've done. Did they see I have a job? That I have good grades? That I have worked my ass off?

I want to scream and cry and feel bitter. But at the moment, I just want to sleep. I'm tired. I'm hurt. It feels as if all my dreams have come crashing down on me. I am a person strengthened by goals, a person that is passionate and focused. Yet, whenever it comes time for me to achieve my best goals, I fail.

People keep saying that I should learn something from this, that there is always something to be learned. I don't think there is. I tried better than my best. I was everything they were looking for in a candidate. I did so many things, I had leadership, research for a year and a half, I worked, I made spectacular grades. I was fucking awesome.

And what did it get me?

Nothing.

I'm back from where I started. My major wasn't right. My GPA just wasn't high enough. I just wasn't right?

Why not? Why not?

I may figure out tomorrow.

I may not.

Takes on pro-choice

I've seen bumper stickers on cars that say "You can't be Catholic and pro-choice."

I'm sorry. I think I can.

First of all, though I am Catholic, not everyone is. America is a melting pot of people and religions and thoughts. I think that the government should promote healthy births, and adoptions. However, whether or not the government supports it, makes it legal, or makes it illegal, there are women out there that will have an abortion. The question then becomes: do we want women to kill themselves in the process of abortion or do we want to protect them?

Also, how is it right for a government to make a woman who has been raped to carry that child when it could put awful psychological strain on the woman. Or what if the woman has complications and may die in childbirth? How can the government not help her by offering an abortion.

There are people who say that if abortions are legalized, woman will be more promiscuous and have more abortions. I don't think this will happen. Maybe just because I have faith in humanity. But I'm not sure. I'd like to see studies from other countries that have legalized abortion and the rates that change.

But that's just my opinion. My Catholic, pro-choice opinions.

Good news and bad news.

Good news: I got an interview for an HTA. But, honestly, I expected it. (Wow, how's THAT for an ego?) I did well last year, Dr. Kleiber knows me, I have a good GPA/etc. Though apparently there are three times as more applicants than there are spaces. I wonder why they just don't have more HTA's and fewer spaces? Maybe I should ask that?

Bad news: I didn't get the SPIA scholarship for Oxford. The rejection letter was very nice, and out of 20 people, they only chose 1 person. But, that means I'm so far 3 for 4 for losing scholarships. Not very good. Also, what is it about me, or my essays, or anything, that makes me fail at scholarships. Why can't I just be good enough for something? I guess I did get the STARS position...who knows how many went for that. Probably only a few. And I know two of us got jobs.

I did have an interview today for a Habitat Board position. I think I'm qualified and would fit in, but we'll see. They didn't ask, but I told them I was going away after Spring Break. I wonder if that'll have a factor.

We're going to see a Noh play tonight. I think that'll be really cool. Tomorrow's going to be relatively boring. Boo. Some meetings, Chinese, gymnastics meet at 7:30. I do have to finish my Pickering essay by 11:00 tomorrow for Jessica. I'd like to edit it at least three times before I show it to her. It's just...not happening.

I also am having something problems with the Bursar and my account. So I have to go talk to them tomorrow. It's weird.

And it's almost impossible to find a job. Srsly. It sucks.

Obama drafted legislation for Guantanamo. That's awesome. He's starting right away and starting strong. A great idea. It'll make him and America look good. I think this is going to look good in the eyes of the world too.

That's it. Still probably won't be another couple of weeks till I hear about the midterm. Probably right after I turn in my Pickering application, which is due on the 6th. I really hope I get the Incentive Scholarship from the Oxford Office. I could use the money for books/food/travel. Or at least a little bit of travel. Because right now, I have nadda. Or, very little.

Yes we Can!

I wasn't a huge supporter for Obama. In fact, I didn't really care until about a month before the election. I knew I didn't want Hilary. I knew my family was going to chose McCain (though my Ma was tettering). I was thinking of going for a third-party candidate. I wasn't influenced much by Obama's speeches, or anything more than his website. Not even the fact that Biden is Catholic.

But after watching the inauguration, I feel that same sense of hope. That when my time to get a job comes (and it will probably be for the government), I won't have screw-ups to fix, I won't go into things blindly, or not be proud to be an American.

I am hopeful. And really, that's what we need in times like this.

Good luck, Mr. Kennedy. Stay strong.

It's the heart that counts, right?

I know I complain about the same exact things over and over again. I'm sure what I'm about to write now, I've written before (I'm going to check after I write this). But it's a reoccurring problem, and something that I can't seem to control or change.

First of all, the question of "am I good enough?" I have an idea of people who are going to at least get interviews for the MidTerm. I think two of the three have 4.0's. I do not. It won't even be possible to graduate with a 4.0. I'm going to strive for a 3.9, but that might even be hard. I do have a job, which I don't think they do. I do participate in a lot of extracurricular (and even without school, there's a lot of them) activities, but is that enough? I shouldn't compare myself with people. I've done my hardest. I've worked my hardest. I've done everything I could. Dave said a GPA "is just one or many attempts to capture some aspect of yourself." He's right. I'm defined by so much more than a number. I suppose that's what a resume is for. And recommendations.

Dr. Tessman asked me when I went to pick up my recommendation from him how I thought it went - the writing and all that. I fidgeted nervously. I think I did alright. But I wish I could've put an experience from Japan in there. Or mentioned my summer trip at all. I didn't do that...I will in the Pickering, but the essay is different and supports that kind of style. It's on my resume...but people applying for it went all over the world.

What makes me so special?

Also, I'm debating whether or not to get a 2nd job. I sure could use the money, picking up random shifts here and there, or on weekends. But, I have Promote Africa, Invisible Children, Habitat, and Roosevelt. I would like to be on the board for Habitat and Roosevelt next semester. So that means hard work in those. I am working 20 hours a week already at 2 jobs on campus. Doing errands and meetings and such. I am trying to audit the Chinese class. I need to continue to edit my Roosevelt paper to have it publish-worthy. I would like to help Dr. Tessman with his research. I mean, is a second job all that necessary? Well, I sure could use the money. But isn't that too much. I'll have to talk to people about that.

Maybe it's friends that worry me. I think I want to be friends with certain people: as in hang out with them, be "one of them." Ouch. How very pathetic of me. Wanting to "follow the crowd" or be with the "in-group." Shouldn't I just be friends with people I want to be friends with? Shouldn't it not matter? I guess there is just some basic part of me that still feels that need and is envious of others. I don't act on it, so I suppose I don't want it that much. My subconscious is much cooler than my conscious.

Oh! I worked on my website over the break for the Midterm Application. It's really cool. Well, I like it. Dave helped me a lot too. I have two more pages to complete and that's about it! I still have to figure how I want them set up and what I should have on there. I feel like I need a "hobbies" page or a "pictures" page. Maybe both? That'd be nice to have pictures of high-school activities and things I like doing now. Hmmm...

Also,

Let's look back on scholarships:
Alumni N
Schafer N
HISP (Courts) Y
MidTerm ?
Incentive : due 30 Jan.
Phi Kappa Can't do.
CET Academics (2 different ones) : due after I get accepted
Franklin College Can't do.
Murphy Can't do.
IEW Can't do.
Pickering Fellowship : due 6 Feb.
Petters : due 10 Feb.

I am kind of glad that some of them I can't do because of requirements (must be a UGA study abroad program, or used between these times...) because that way I don't have to continually ask the same people for a recommendation. I wouldn't feel so bad if I still had the two teachers I would've had for recs stay on campus! But, oh well.