Does it all matter at all?

I was just re-reading my last post, and at least two things I laughed at.

First, the work that I thought I had to do for my MARS Lab...I didn't have to do it. Yeah, I was angry when I found that out. Then again, it turns out I got the highest grade on the last Lab Quiz. That was nice. I have an 87 in there right now. It's about 25% of the final MARS grade in total, and we still have 4 grades in the air. So maybe..maybe I can pull an A off. Hopefully.

Second, I found out about the scholarship. I didn't get it. Of course I didn't. I mean, who was I kidding?

I get so frustrated though, so hurt. My boyfriend is constantly telling me how amazing I am and he actually means it. My roommate and friends are always telling me how involved I am. I try to do as much as I can. I have a 4.0. I'm in the Honors Program. I need financial help. I don't understand what turns me off to scholarship people? How am I not good enough? Is my boyfriend lying to me? I had three glowing recommendations from a research professors (of course, I'm not researching with him anymore because he resigned- ick), my boss at work, and the asst. director of the Honors Program. How was I not good enough?

How am I suppossed to pay for all of this? I feel bad having to ask my mom for money for stuff not related to tuition and things because I'm so cheap I can't buy it and she feels bad so she offers. My dad can't give me money because he can't even find himself a job and his business aren't doing so well.

I'm working hard towards the Midterm Foundation Fellowship- a pretigious scholarship that pays for your last two years and offers study abroad money and book discussions and all kinds of crazy stuff. Yet, if this scholarship doesn't think I'm good enough, how will they? What is it that I'm doing wrong? I'm trying my hardest. I'm doing all I can. What more can be done?

And then I was thinking about how I measure people's worth. Do I measure them by how many scholarships they get? No, of course not...but how am I suppossed to pay for all this?

The University is offering my about $14000 in help...but it's federal loans and a work-study. That's not really the help I'm looking for. And if I take it, in just two years, I'll have about $12000 in loans to pay back, along with the eventual repayment to my uncle who has helped sustain me so far of probably $20000.

How can I ever expect to pay that off?

This is just getting ridiculous. So ridiculous that crying doesn't even help. I'm just tired, and I feel like if I'm doing my best now and getting nothing, what do I do then?