Confidence in the face of adversity

In a divergance from my politically-motivated posts as of late, I'm going back to my self-critique/personal thoughts on matters that have been bothering me.

I read on a friend's facebook status the quote: "After hardship comes ease..." and it caused a flare-up of anger in me (which was followed by a good dose of Catholic guilt). My life, I thought, has been hard, dreadfully hard the last three years especially, and where is my ease? I was bitter too, because said friend was recently awarded the PPIA Fellowship and is a finalist for the Truman Scholarship (and my bet for the GA award), both scholarships that I also applied for. What hardship have you faced? I thought bitterly and angerily.

Then again, I chided myself, what hardship have I faced?

So I thought to myself: My family survived Hurrican Andrew; I've been through a divorce; I hardly got into any colleges; I have to practically beg for money from my Uncle to pay for college; I've applied to God knows how many scholarships and received only some small ones that help fund a specific program or for a year only; and my dreams feel like they're being crushed after not being asked for an interview for Truman.

Truman was especially difficult because of how many people thought I had a shot at it. In fact, one Professor told me, after I figured out I was not being interview, that "they made a mistake" in not choosing me as a Finalist. I look at the work that some of the Finalists have done and I think that I have done just as much worthy things. It is a balance between egotism and self-hatred. One minute, I know I'm awesome; the next, I wonder if I'm joking myself because no one seems to agree with me (other then the resiquite family and friends).

Is it awful of me to want some law school, older truman scholars, etc. looking at my application and say "Wow. Here's someone that has a dream. Here's someone that's on their way to that dream of being a great public servant"?

It's killing me that no one is saying that though. Unless you know me, then you're a fan. But how do I get people to know me? An essay? A resume?

The point being...I feel guilty for thinking that my life has been a hardship at all, just because I didn't get some scholarships? Sure, I may have to work through grad school, I may have to take out more loans, I may have to wait a few years...but is that a hardship? Maybe it's my hardship, but it certainly does not compare to what the women in Africa are going through, what the people in Haiti are going through, what the women that I heard from this week for International Women of Courage have gone through.

I have a loving family, I have a government that doesn't kidnap people (well, the vast majority of people) in the middle of the night and torture them. I have family that is willing to help me pay for college. I have people supporting my dreams.

Shouldn't that be good enough?

I hope that I can keep having the strength to lift up my bat and swing away at that ball. One day, maybe far, far away, I'll hit a home run and people will realize my talent.